I'm 21.
I for all intensive purposes am still trying to "figure myself out".
I hear people say all the time, "My poor spouse married a completely different person than who I am right now." This confused me! I thought, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard, that is ridiculous, of course you're essentially the same person!
I thought that until about a year ago anyways.
I for all intensive purposes am changing.
I am going through this 2nd stupid puberty where you change not from a child to a teenager, but from a teenager into an adult and it's stupid.
I hate it.
It's confusing, and embarrassing and I feel lost ALL of the time.
Last night me and Chip had a long chat about it. He knows I have been feeling this for a long time (about a year now, which is a long time for me to not know the answer to something, I am very impatient). I told him, "I feel lost. Like who am I REALLY? What do I want for life? Who do I want to be? What do I believe?"
Now don't get me wrong, I know the jist.
I am fairly conservative, but with a kick of "Mind your own business, it's not YOUR decision what other people do with their life."
I love the Gospel with everything I have, but I am still learning how to utilize it to become the best person I can.
I struggle everyday with self confidence. When we got married I was on an AWFUL birth control that made me gain A LOT of weight. Now it's not just about body image, but that kind of experience messes with your emotional confidence as well. It's like I am starting from scratch, just like a 13 year old kid with a new body they have to figure out.
This whole process of "learning who you are in your 20's" isn't something I knew would happen. This completely 100% blindsided me, and I am just now getting on my feet after a year and beginning to realize that I need to make decisions and explore what I want for my life.
I feel like a duck just barely keeping my head above water on a daily basis.
There are a few things that make me feel like I have some assemblance of knowing what's going on.
When my house is clean I think clearer and I feel like I am more in tune with the spirit and I just am at peace, so I try to keep the house clean.
When I "get ready" for the day I feel more confident about myself. So I try to get ready for the day.
With that being said though, I also feel like a freaking warrior princess if I can rock jeans, tennis shoes, and no makeup. I got three compliments on my hair the other day, I didn't even brush it that day. I was freaking Xena.
The point of all of this is that I am still very much trying to figure myself out. This is super difficult for me because I want so bad to feel like people take me seriously. I hate when people say "Oh your just a kid you don't know anything." This makes me feel like they are saying "You're a fake human. Your opinion doesn't matter."
But in all reality, I am just a kid and I don't know what the hell I am doing.
So maybe I don't know what I am doing, but please don't tell me I don't know things. That is to say that I cannot learn, or that I haven't retained ANYTHING in the last 21 years. Give me a little credit.
Everyone talks about puberty and the changes you go through (thank heavens I don't have to relive the physical changes). But no one talks about the 2nd puberty you go through in your early 20's. And I am praying that I am not the only one who goes through this, cause if I am, that just means I'm broken.
It's goes something like this:
You're awkward.
You're lost.
You're confused.
And no one tells you its coming so you feel alone, despite the fact that you may have the most amazing spouse in the world right by your side.
It's hard.
It sucks.
And it's embarrassing.
Its especially hard when everyone around you seems to have life all figured out.,
The only thing I can do to feel better is know that it won't last forever, and that hopefully everyone else is just as lost as I am haha
The problem I face now is how do I "find myself". As cliché as it sounds that's what it is that I need.
What kind of a woman do I want to be?
When we have children what kind of a mother do I want to be?
Should I work on the side when we have kids?
How can I be a amazing spouse to my sweet Chip?
If I work, what do I want to be when I "grow up"?
Am I going into the right career in school?
What do I believe in?
What do I want for my life?
Super sappy and long, but its been on my mind for a while.
So if you see me and I look like a chicken with it's head cut off, it's normal. I'm just figuring me out.
Give me a pat on the back and tell me you love me, that's probably what I need to hear.
-Em
Don't worry, you're not alone or broken or anything. I had an identity crisis shortly after we got married and just assumed it was getting used to who I was as a wife and what I wanted to do at that point. I never thought of it in terms of a 2nd puberty...but that makes so much sense. It just hit after we got married so I assumed it was part of the whole "Marriage will be the hardest and best thing you'll ever do" thing. I think adjusting to married life did have it's play in the identity crisis as that really makes you move from being a teen to an adult, I just didn't think of it that way. I tried to ignore my identity crisis for a long time and to put off the image that I was fine and to just cover up the insecurities. That was the wrong thing to do. I'm still dealing with some of those same insecurities now because I tried so hard to pretend they weren't there for so many years; some I've gotten over, but some have festered and taken root. Some days they cripple me and I just lay in bed wallowing in self pity. I still feel lost most the time. I feel insignificant and like a molting chicken in a peacock parade most of the time. I don't have it all together, but I think few women do. They just want everyone to think they do and we only see these fake images of people rather than who we each are, and then we feel extra pressure to measure up to these fake images that we don't realize are fake, and it's just this nasty cycle. I hate it. You're not alone. You're not the only one who has or is dealing with this. You're not broken. There's nothing wrong with how your feeling. I've been there. I'm still there. I think more people are at this same point than are willing to let on (hence my rant on images a while back). I love you and think you are fantastic, and I'm so sorry you feel lost and unsure. I wish I had some grand sable piece of wisdom to pass down, but I really don't feel like I know all that much with this year. All I know to say are these two things that I've learned and have helped me (they may help you, they may belong in the trash bin...either way is fine) 1. You're on the right path, just keep moving; don't bury these questions/feelings thinking there's something wrong with you, that'll do you more harm than good (as I've found out in my 2nd puberty). 2. Don't be afraid of the cliche sometimes. We both approach it differently, but you and I both fight against the mainstream, the normal, and the cliche. We don't want the "normal Mormon" image placed on us. We don't want the "just a housewife" image. We don't want to be normal or cliche. But I'm finding there are a few things in my life that just really make me truly happy, and they are cliche...but I'm finally ready to be happy and to quit trying to avoid the image of being seen as cliche. I'm realizing that the people that I care about most in life and who matter most don't care if I'm cliche or not.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I blabbed on more than I meant to. Take what you want and throw out what you want in there. Just know that I love you and I know you are amazing and I see just how smart, awesome, fun, kind, thoughtful, and good you are. If you ever need a lost buddy, I'm here!
Em, I know exactly how you feel. I have been in my second puberty for 2-3 years now. I felt like I was maybe getting over it when Wyler came, which set me back, then as I thought I was getting a handle on it James came and threw me for another whirl. I feel so lost. I don't know who I am. Yes I am a wife, mother, and child of God. But I still feel something is missing. Who am I? I used to read, play music, and bake all the time. But now... now I don't know. I still like to read, but even if I do have the time I rarely do. I rarely make music. Baking is a struggle right now. Aside from being a wife and mother, who am I?
ReplyDeleteI'd go on, but I'd just be repeating Marquette here. And you too.... I appreciate your post. I was thinking there was something wrong with me. The only person I had talked about it to was Zach. It is nice to know I am not the only one. I hope your 2nd puberty isn't as long as mine is turning out to be. If you need to talk or anything give me a call.
Aw, honey, I totally get it. I can feel myself stepping out onto the precipice of new puberty (I love your use of this term) as I look for jobs as a professor. I'm 35 freaking years old and I am going to have to move to a new place, dragging my sweet husband along with me, and figure out who I am all over again. I will have to establish myself, make new friends, and try to fit in with a new academic crowd. I hate being the new kid so much.
ReplyDeleteI have been struggling SO much with this lately because kids just aren't happening for us no matter what we try. We have a few options left, but it's terrifying to face the reality that I might never "fit in" with all of the other women my age at church. And in a new place, I'll have to face the whispers (that I perceive) about why we don't have kids and how Sister H-B chose her career over having a family, and blah blah blah.
Anyway, I'm pretty just sure I shot all y'all's hope of growing out of this phase... I'm such a Debbie Downer this morning! The reality is that this business of change is CONSTANT. Sometimes I feel completely awesome and confident. Other times, well, let's just say I'm glad to have a good therapist and an excellent anti-depressant.
And that's the end of all of this TMI. Clearly I have a lot of feeling about this!
I hope you are feeling good about yourself and your awesome hair today!
I think we all go through this at some point or other. I think the day that was kind of a turning point for me was when I realized it was ok not to have it ALL together all the time. I decided that as long as I was doing at least one thing each day to be the person I wanted to be someday then I was succeeding. Maybe I didn't get my floors cleaned today, but I sat and read a book with my son, so I succeeded. Maybe I took the time to do something for me (read a book, create something, etc) but I didn't spend as much one on one time with my hubby as I would've liked; it's ok, I still succeeded. If you wait until you're perfect to feel good about yourself then I'm sorry to say it's never going to happen, none of us are perfect. Just find little ways to like who you are now and to work towards who you want to be. Hang in there cutie, you'll make it through!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for all of your loving words of encouragement! I have to add that I am in no way looking for perfection, striving for perfection is something that will in no way be rewarding or bring any sort of happiness. I have felt better about the whole situation Sunday afternoon and today than I have since all this started. While I am happy to hear that you can find peace, it is disheartening to hear that this "constant change" is well, constant. I used to LOVE change, but this new me I am still figuring out does not. That is one thing I will have to work on. Thank you all so much for your kind words and love! I wish I could give all of you HUGS! You all have helped me so so much these past few days! Thank you! I know it gets better and that I will make it out alive! :)
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