2nd Puberty: Not the gross kind...but equaly embarrassing.

I'm 21.

I for all intensive purposes am still trying to "figure myself out".

I hear people say all the time, "My poor spouse married a completely different person than who I am right now." This confused me! I thought, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard, that is ridiculous, of course you're essentially the same person!

I thought that until about a year ago anyways.

I for all intensive purposes am changing.

I am going through this 2nd stupid puberty where you change not from a child to a teenager, but from a teenager into an adult and it's stupid.

I hate it.

It's confusing, and embarrassing and I feel lost ALL of the time.

Last night me and Chip had a long chat about it. He knows I have been feeling this for a long time (about a year now, which is a long time for me to not know the answer to something, I am very impatient). I told him, "I feel lost. Like who am I REALLY? What do I want for life? Who do I want to be? What do I believe?"

Now don't get me wrong, I know the jist.

I am fairly conservative, but with a kick of "Mind your own business, it's not YOUR decision what other people do with their life."

I love the Gospel with everything I have, but I am still learning how to utilize it to become the best person I can.

I struggle everyday with self confidence. When we got married I was on an AWFUL birth control that made me gain A LOT of weight. Now it's not just about body image, but that kind of experience messes with your emotional confidence as well. It's like I am starting from scratch, just like a 13 year old kid with a new body they have to figure out.

 

This whole process of "learning who you are in your 20's" isn't something I knew would happen. This completely 100% blindsided me, and I am just now getting on my feet after a year and beginning to realize that I need to make decisions and explore what I want for my life.

 

I feel like a duck just barely keeping my head above water on a daily basis.

There are a few things that make me feel like I have some assemblance of knowing what's going on.

When my house is clean I think clearer and I feel like I am more in tune with the spirit and I just am at peace, so I try to keep the house clean.

 

When I "get ready" for the day I feel more confident about myself. So I try to get ready for the day.

With that being said though, I also feel like a freaking warrior princess if I can rock jeans, tennis shoes, and no makeup. I got three compliments on my hair the other day, I didn't even brush it that day. I was freaking Xena.

 

The point of all of this is that I am still very much trying to figure myself out. This is super difficult for me because I want so bad to feel like people take me seriously. I hate when people say "Oh your just a kid you don't know anything." This makes me feel like they are saying "You're a fake human. Your opinion doesn't matter."

But in all reality, I am just a kid and I don't know what the hell I am doing.  

So maybe I don't know what I am doing, but please don't tell me I don't know things. That is to say that I cannot learn, or that I haven't retained ANYTHING in the last 21 years. Give me a little credit.

 

Everyone talks about puberty and the changes you go through (thank heavens I don't have to relive the physical changes). But no one talks about the 2nd puberty you go through in your early 20's. And I am praying that I am not the only one who goes through this, cause if I am, that just means I'm broken.

It's goes something like this:

You're awkward.

You're lost.

You're confused.

And no one tells you its coming so you feel alone, despite the fact that you may have the most amazing spouse in the world right by your side.

It's hard.

It sucks.

And it's embarrassing.

Its especially hard when everyone around you seems to have life all figured out.,

The only thing I can do to feel better is know that it won't last forever, and that hopefully everyone else is just as lost as I am haha

 

The problem I face now is how do I "find myself". As cliché as it sounds that's what it is that I need.

 

What kind of a woman do I want to be?

When we have children what kind of a mother do I want to be?

Should I work on the side when we have kids?

How can I be a amazing spouse to my sweet Chip?

If I work, what do I want to be when I "grow up"?

Am I going into the right career in school?

What do I believe in?

What do I want for my life?

 

Super sappy and long, but its been on my mind for a while.

So if you see me and I look like a chicken with it's head cut off, it's normal. I'm just figuring me out.

Give me a pat on the back and tell me you love me, that's probably what I need to hear.

 

-Em

 



Internet...Is it really worth it?

So Chip and I have been out of internet for a whopping 5 weeks. I have been on the phone with 7 different company reps, had two people out to the house, countless hours on the phone, and they wouldn't fix it so we are trying to get a new provider now.

 Normally that would be an minor annoyance but when half of your classes are online, and the other half require online research and what not it has literally taken over our life being at school to do homework every night.

We get there between 5 and 6 each night and leave at 11. 

Every night.

We get everything turned in on time, and its a blessing going to school and having a car to get us to school, but it's difficult!

Those people who make it through school without internet at home are so driven! Some nights you just want to stay home and be with your spouse! But between the two of us we have homework due every night. The only saving grace for us having time alone is that all the labs on campus are closed Friday nights.

With all of that being said it has been a good experience to "disconnect". I have a smart phone but without wifi at the house it's slow so I don't use it super often. It's quieter at the house, I have been reading books more, reading my scriptures more, and we get to bed earlier. There are definitely downsides, but at the same time there are some good upsides. I also feel like now I don't NEED internet at home to feel "entertained".

So with our internet (hopefully) coming in tonight I am hoping this doesn't start a whole new era of staying up late watching Hulu and surfing the internet. Maybe we'll have unplugged Saturday, or unplugged Friday where we can just be us.

Other than the whole internet fiasco lately we are just doing school and work!

Hope you all have a fabulous weekend!

-Em

And so it begins...

Hello! If you are reading this, you love the Goutchers' and you want to read all about all the cool, boring, mundane, school-like, adventurous, food filled, awesomeness that we partake in in our everyday lives. Or you're really bored.

I am not new to blogging per say, in fact I have a blog over at: 

www.pinstrosity.blogspot.com that deals with Pinterest and all its fails awesomeness.

But this one is for Chip and I's (mine and Chip? Chip and my own? Bro? Brother? Brethren?) personal life, what we are up to, any exciting news, fun trips and to document all our adventures!

This is a super easy way to keep up with all our friends and family and so everyone who lives (near and) far away can see what's going on in our lives.

Stay tune for updates and more of my lame sense of humor!

Love, Em